What You Became To Me
by IlovetowriteSMP
Summary: Ryan and Kendall spend some time out of town together and old feelings resurface.RENDALL. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

_Note- Okay, this fic comes with a disclaimer, though not one of those about not owning anything. I don't, obviously._

_Anyway, I am only writing this because **I really miss Ryan and Kendall having romantic scenes **and need to see some even if I have to write them in order to do that. I mainly write about Jason and Carly, and Milo and Lulu from GH. This is just a way to get out my frustrations about not having any Rendall on AMC lately._

_If you want more chapters, review. I deleted my last AMC fic because of lack of interest._

_Does anyone else still love Rendall and think the stuff currently shown on AMC concerning them is crud? I know I do. _

_In this story, Emma is not Ryan's child and Kendall is not pregnant. It starts in the last week of the Satin Slayer storyline. _

_Read on if Rendall is your couple of choice..._

**Chapter One**

"Ryan Aloysius Lavery, let me out of this car!" Kendall jerked on the door handle in the back seat, where Ryan had just unceremoniously tossed her after carrying her from her house over his shoulder.

The child safety lock on the door prevented Kendall from opening it. Ryan jumped in the driver's seat and threw the car into gear.

She crawled between the seats and smacked his arm. "You've lost it. You can not just kidnap me because I won't do what you what."

"I can and I just did."

"Ugh!" she spat out in frustration. " I'm not leaving my husband. He needs me right now."

"_I need you _to stay alive, Kendall. So does our son, by the way."

Her head was shoved between the seats, close to his, her hand gripped his arm. He could feel her rage pulsating off her skin, but he could also read her eyes.

At the first stop sign she went for the ignition, trying to grab the keys, and that is when Ryan caught the hint of perverse satisfaction that pooled in her dark gaze.

_She likes that I'll go to extremes to save her life, _he thought, _I'll be damned. She still feels something for me, after all_.

Ryan did his best to keep his lips from curving into a smile at the thought. He stomped on the gas and she went tumbling back into her seat.

"You ass," Kendall hissed. "Take me back home."

He didn't respond to her until the next red light, where she tried to scramble into the passenger seat. Then he said, his voice soft and filled with pain, "So you can die?"

Kendall stalled and the settled back into her seat.

Ryan went on, "After Spike was born I promised myself I would never let you down again. I'm not breaking that promise, even for you. You stay in Pine Valley and you and I both know how it will play out. He will get to you. Then I have will stand in a cemetery, holding our baby, and see you lowered into the ground. And I would have to try and find a way to say good-bye. Well I can't do that. I can't say good-bye to you, Kendall."

She crossed her arms over her chest and stared out the window as Pine Valley flew past, and they moved farther and farther from her condo. She let out a shaky breath, well aware Ryan was watching her in the rearview mirror.

He added, "I tried to do that several times already and we both know how bad it works out."

After a few minutes she asked the one question that would decide if she went along with him, "Spike?"

"He is being guarded by ten guys at the casino and Annie is caring for his every need."

"Annie," she grumbled. "She is a virtual stranger. I don't trust her with our son and it baffles me why you would either."

"How about I ask Bianca to move into the casino for a while? She can keep a eye on our boy and Miranda and Emma can get to know each other."

"That would be better. But why didn't you just bring him with you? Afraid to let your kid see you committing five different felonies by taking his mother across state lines without her permission?" Her voice was light, her anger starting to dissipate.

"No one is after Spike. He would be in more danger with us."

"So now you know it all, huh? Since when do I follow your commands, Ryan?"

"Never." Quickly glancing back at her, he flashed her a smile. "Feel like starting now?"

"No."

Looking back at the road they drove in silence. He pulled up to another stop sign, then hit the button that disengaged the child safety locks.

Softly he asked, "Will you please leave town with me so that I can be sure you don't become the next victim of some madman who seems bent on killing every woman who means anything to me?"

He knew his voice was shaking, and that he was giving away the fact he hadn't done a very good job getting over her like he had promised to do, but he couldn't help himself.

_Come on, Kendall, let me protect you this time. Believe in me_, he silently begged.

"Will you?" he asked again.

"Yes."

XXXXXXXX

**Kendall called and **left a message for Zach on his cell phone. Then she settled into the backseat, still giving Ryan attitude for his caveman tactics, and proceeded to ignore him for the next hour.

She closed her eyes and let the music streaming from the radio start to relax her. But then an old song came on that always took her back to the days of the Pine Comb, when Ryan lived next door, and she was an angry bitch that didn't love anyone. Until she loved him.

In the drivers seat, Ryan was thinking about the same night as her. When they drove deep into each other while this tune shook the paper thin walls of the motel.

(Baby's black balloon makes her fly.  
I almost fell into that hole in your life.

And you're not thinking about tomorrow,  
cause you were the same as me   
but on your knees.

A thousand other boys could never reach you.  
How could I have been the one?

I saw the world spin beneath you  
and scatter like ice from the spoon  
that was your womb.  
Comin' down the world turned over   
And angels fall without you there  
And I go on as you get colder.

Or are you someone's prayer? ) ( Goo Goo Dolls)

_**Flashback to 2002**_

"Six pack," Kendall said as she lay in his arms, sweat soaked and satisfied, "are you going to rat me out to Erica or have you finally been lured over to the dark side?"

"Is that all you can think about right now?" he asked with a smile "Your revenge fantasies."

"My fantasies are about this," she ran her hand down his chest and then it disappeared under the blanket. " My reality will be the way I make mommy dearest suffer."

"Leave me out of it," Ryan said.

Kendall said, "You're either on my side or hers. There is no Switzerland in this battle. Not for baby sister Binks and not for you. So," her hand moved over him " my side or ..."

He caught her hand and then moved on top of her. He kissed her, hard, but still with a sweetness that stunned them both. "Whose side do you think I am on?"

His mouth connected with hers and she forgot all about the rage that usually lived right under her skin. For the rest of that night she could only think, feel, breath and taste Ryan.

Her very favorite flavor in all the world.

_**2007**_

The song played on and Ryan felt his body respond to it the way it always did. So many songs reminded him of her. Took him right back to when she used to be crazy about him.

Her love use to scare the hell of him. Nothing could make him feel as out of control as her. Nothing, he always thought, would be worse than her lying to him again and breaking his trust. But something was- her falling out of love with him.

She said she loved Zach now. Ryan did his best to respect that, but in his gut there was stabbing pain that he carried every day and in his heart there was a constant aching refrain that seemed to match his unsteady heartbeats and repeat over and over

_It should be you and her, you and her, you and her, don't lose her, lose her, lose her, you and her... _

He glanced in the rearview mirror now and saw she was watching him. Her skin was slightly flushed. She caught him checking her out but didn't look away.

Kendall never backed down. It was just one of the million of things that drove him nuts, and made him totally love her.

(Comin' down the world turned over  
And angels fall without you there  
And I go on as you grow colder 

All because I'm

Comin' down the years turned over  
And angles fall without you there  
And I'll go on to lead you home

All because I'm  
All because I'm  
And I'll become

What you became to me ) ( Goo Goo Dolls)


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two **

They ended up in a rented cabin in the woods.

As they walked in the door Kendall said, "Wouldn't we be safer in the middle of a city where there are actual cops to save us if the killer should track us down?"

"He won't," Ryan said. "We are miles from civilization. If he dares to come out here, he is not leaving alive."

She said, "Great. You plot a kidnapping and a murder in the same day. I think my devious nature has rubbed off on you."

"I was like this long before I met you."

"Those small time cons you pulled? Baby stuff compared to me." Her eyes were already sparking more than they had in Pine Valley in months.

"Oh, okay," he smiled at her "Whatever you say. You always did think I was better than I am."

She cocked her head to the side a little and grinned, as she watched him unpack groceries and fill the fridge and cabinets.

Kendall knew exactly who Ryan was- his every fear, hope, dream, dirty secret, and childhood heartbreak. He was a man who didn't let any of that stop him from going for what he wanted in this world. They had that trait in common.

At one time she thought they would be chasing their dreams together.

But after he went over the cliff she lost all hope of that future ever coming true. Before that, even though he loved her best friend, a huge part of Kendall's heart really thought he would come back to her one day.

She had believed he was her soul mate. And when he died, more than half of her died too. But soon Spike was growing in her and Kendall couldn't just lay down and die. When Ryan came back it was as if she was couldn't think straight. He was alive, and he was all caught up in Greenlee still.

She knew then, he was truly done with her. Kendall pushed down the pain, made a life with her husband, and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy that healed a huge part of her broken heart. But not all of it.

Still, Kendall knew that in life you didn't always get it all.

No matter how hard you tried, even conning and lying and scheming couldn't make a man love you who didn't anymore.

**RYAN saw the sad **expression come over her face. He stuck the bottle of wine in an ice bucket and then focused his full attention to Kendall.

"Missing Zach already?"

"Hmm?" she asked confused

Ryan pointed to a mirror that hung near the front door. Kendall glanced into it and caught the look on her face: a bittersweet longing.

Kendall thought to herself, _Only Ryan puts that look in my eye and he doesn't even know it._

"Is he going to come looking for you?" asked Ryan

"I told him not to."

"Really?"

"He's headed to Vegas on some lead about who the killer could be. Tad and Aiden are going with him. Maybe they will solve this whole thing and we can go home in a day or two." She faced him again and asked "Wouldn't you rather be out there hunting this freak down than here hiding?"

He asked, "And leave you unprotected?"

"I had guards at home."

"I don't trust them."

"If you don't like Zach's guys you could have hired your own."

"I don't trust anyone to protect you...but me."

She groaned. "Now you choose to be all hero like! Don't you think it is a little late?"

Ryan moved close to her, his voice dropped, and he said "I sure as hell hope not, Kendall."

She shivered as she reacted to his closeness. He always affected her. Even now when she was over him- she told herself. And in love with someone else- she lied to herself.

Her body didn't care about any of that. It only knew her other half was getting closer and closer, it reacted to his energy sending heat flooding through her, and then the tingling started.

She squirmed slightly and stifled a moan. He hadn't touched her yet. He didn't have to in order for her to get halfway to ecstasy.

"I might not have been able to," Ryan said, his voice staying low and intimate, "give you many of the things you have asked me for so far in life but this one thing I will, whether you want it or not. This time I'm doing right by you, Kendall. Anyone tries to come after you and they will have to get through me first."

She could not help but smile. "You and those six packs. I guess I couldn't ask for a better security system."

He leaned close to ask, "So you trust me?"

Her voice was a whisper when she replied "You know I always have."

"Even now?"

"Crazy, isn't it? Doesn't make a bit of sense." She swallowed and bit the inside of her lip.

Ryan smiled. "We never have, Kendall. But we are still in this thing together...you and me and now Spike...we aren't just two people who can walk away when the stakes get so high that we can't even catch our breaths...because now..." his tried to keep the tears out of his eyes "you are my family and I can't lose you. I thought it would kill me before but I know it would now."

Kendall sucked in a breath at his admission.

_It is just about Spike_, she told herself over and over. _Simply about Spike. _

She took a step back and made an excuse about needing a nice, long bath to relax. As she scurried from the room, still thumping with desire for him, she repeated her mantra _Simply about Spike._

But things between Ryan and her could never be simple and she knew, even as he silently lied to herself, that his eyes were locked on her ass as she left the room. Kendall didn't have to turn around to know the smile he wore.

_Note- I made a forum at to talk about Rendall. Check my profile for the URL._

_Like this story, the forum will be deleted in about a month if no one is interested in this couple anymore._

_They are still my favorite all time AMC couple. Anybody else love them still?_

_Sara_


	3. Chapter 3

Note- Thanks for all the great reviews. It makes me want to finish this story. I'm so glad to hear some other fans still love Rendall. Yay!

**Chapter Three**

Kendall had no plans to break her marriage vows. No amount of fireside conversations, no amount of sexual tension coursing through the air and her body, and no amount of red wine- of which she was on her third glass- was going to make her cheat.

Of course, every time she glanced at Ryan she had to give herself that speech all over again.

They were on a blanket in front of the fireplace, where they moved after dinner. For hours now they had been talking about the past and their dreams for Spike in the future.

"It's still blows my mind to think about how Spike came to be," Ryan admitted.

He was more than a little tipsy himself and it made his tongue looser than it would have been otherwise.

He went on, "After all that time of not wanting to be a dad, then Greenlee stands up in the middle of the hotel dining room and says that I am one. You had done this insane thing, this Kendall thing, this amazing act of love. You not only gave me a child but a child that is half of you. I had broken your heart and you still did that for me."

"Oh, my heart is a lot tougher than you think, Ryan. I barely felt a thing."

His eyes shot hers a _Don't con a con artist _look. He said, "Well, I felt it. I think I still feel it."

(_I know you think that I shouldn't still love you_

_or tell you that._

_  
But if I didn't say it, well, I'd still have felt it. _

_Where's the sense in that?_

_  
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder  
or return to where we were but_

I will go down with this ship and I won't put my hands up and surrender.

_There will be no white flag above my door._

_I'm in love and always will be) ( Dido)_

Kendall took another sip of her wine. She remembered how hard she had tried to hold on to Ryan, with every bit of her strength, her heart, her will she had clung to him and swore to never give up.

And then one day, when Greenlee was long gone, and Kendall was scared to death to lose her mind right before she gave birth, to lose everything in her obsession for Ryan, she went and did the impossible.

She gave up on them.

She was sure Ryan had long ago. Still in this very moment, it didn't seem like it. It seemed like he was the one finally fighting for them.

_You just wish he was_, she told herself. _Will you ever get over this man?_

_Never_, her own heart answered back.

(I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again

and I cause nothing but trouble, I understand if you can't talk to me again.

and if you live by the rules of it's over  
then I'm sure that that makes sense but

I will go down with this ship and put my hands up and surrender

there will be no white flag above my door.

I'm in love and always will be

and when we meet, which I'm sure we will  
all that was there, will be there still) ( Dido)

**Kendall finally broke the silence between them**, "Did you bring me here to...?"

"What?"

Her brown eyes darted back and forth. "To get me back."

He asked, "Did I lose you?"

"Be serious, Ryan."

"I am." His voice was filled with love and pain and so much longing it hurt her to hear it as he asked "Did I?"

She shuddered and jerked her head away. Better to not let him see her eyes.

(_I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue  
and you will think, that I've moved on._

_  
I will go down with this ship and I won't _

_put my hands up and surrender_

_  
there will be no white flag above my door, _

_I'm in love and always will be_)

Since Kendall didn't answer him, Ryan whispered "I did bring you here to keep you safe. How would Spike and I get by without you? I can't even imagine it. My life without you around...there is just something really wrong about the idea of that."

A tear slid from her eye. She titled her head to the side and tried to wipe it away without him seeing it.

He downed the rest of his glass of wine. "Hey, don't worry about it, Hart."

She finally looked at him again, searching his eyes.

Ryan added, "I don't intend to make your life any harder than it already is. Remember? I'm only going to make things better from now on."

"Yeah? How?"

His eyes held hers for a long minute- and flashes of their past darted through each of their minds.

Ryan thought about how close he came to marry her and wondered what would have happened if he had just an ounce more faith in them.

Kendall thought about making love on the best Christmas of her life.

Ryan said, "By being happy for you that you found your soul mate."

She scrunched up her features, doing her best not to cry anymore, as her breath fled from her body.

Her soul mate. He meant Zach. But Kendall had only associated that term with one man before, the one staring at her right now.

"Is Annie your new soul mate?"

"New?"

"Wasn't it Greenlee before that? Or was it Julia and then before her Greenlee? It gets so confusing to keep track."

Kendall knew how to do this, deflect and detour them right into hostile territory. It was safer, she figured, than scooting the few inches it would take to have his body pressed to hers, and then capturing his lips in a kiss that would be all fire, like they always were.

"No," he said as he poured them both more wine.

Now he refused to look at her. "It was never either of them."

"Gillian then. Perfect angel taken before her time Gillian."

"No."

"You have a bad memory, Ryan. How is it I remember your life better than you do?"

He told her, "It was never anyone but you."

Kendall bounded to her feet. " Of all the things to lie about..." her words started broken hearted, and drunk, and then got loud and mad "I know you want to beat Zach. Be the one to protect me and maybe even get me back in your bed. Really show him you're the better man. But if you want things to stay civil between us then you need to not start lying to me and spouting lines about how I am your soul mate! You don't dump your soul mate over and over when she begs you to love her. You don't do that..."

Kendall started to flee the room.

He got to his feet and followed her, blocking her way.

"Leave me the hell alone, Lavery!"

"Wait, wait, come on, please, wait."

"Move, Ryan."

"Kendall...I could careless about beating Zach. This isn't a competition. This is our lives. And I didn't mean to upset you but I won't lie either. I bought you here to keep you safe and you are my soul mate. Both statements are true. I didn't bring you here to try and make you love me or choose me or leave him. I won't lie about how I feel though. I told you months ago I wanted to be with you again and I was praying to God you wanted to be with me but I get that you don't love me anymore."

He eased closed to her and rested his forehead against hers.

He whispered, "I get that and it is okay.

It's okay because I want you to follow your heart no matter if ...it takes you away from me. But that doesn't mean I can stop loving you."

"But you did stop, Ryan, you stopped and it nearly killed me."

"I tried to stop. I couldn't. Not even nearly killing myself could make me stop. I know that it's too late for you. I waited too long and you moved on. You fell out of love with me and I don't blame you one bit, Kendall."

With her mouth an inch from his, and their tears mingling together, she whispered "How could I ever fall out of love with you?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Ryan froze after Kendall whispered, "How could I ever fall out of love with you?"

For a second, in his daze, he thought she leaned closer to him and their lips nearly touched but then she was sliding past him and heading for her bedroom. She walked inside but didn't close the door.

He was rooted in place, knowing this was the moment that would decide their future.

Every other time in the past when it came to a _do or die _moment, he had run from her. It was cowardly but he couldn't have stopped himself if he tried. The intensity of them made him quake with fear in his younger days.

Now the idea of losing her did that.

Ryan slowly walked to her doorway. She lay on the bed, on her side, her face tear streaked.

"Go away," she whispered miserably.

Seeing her cry always broke him down. More than anything else in the word her tears cut into his heart and made him ache just as much as her.

Ryan moved to the bed, lay behind her, and put his arm around her waist. Kendall shifted slightly and rested against him.

In a tortured voice she said, "I'm married. I can't love you because I am married. I can't...it makes me a..."

"Don't," he said into her hair. "No name calling about yourself."

He gently rubbed her arm, trying to give her some measure of comfort. He realized that never before had he really loved a woman as well as she deserved- he had tried but never quite got there. This time he was determined to, even if that meant letting Kendall go back to Zach.

(I was waiting  
for the day you'd come around.

I was chasing,  
and nothing was all I found.

From the moment you came into my life,  
you showed me what's right.

And it feels like tonight.

I can't believe I'm broken inside.

Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,  
but try to make it up to you?

And it feels like tonight.) (Daughtry) 

Still he wasn't ready to let go so easily. That was what he did too many times before. For right this second, she loved him and he wanted to spend one night just...hanging onto some hope that they could find a way to make it work this time...just believing in them...finally.

"You are a beautiful and unique soul, Kendall Hart. Did I ever tell you how amazing I think you are? You take on every man and woman who comes at you and you never back off a fight. You fought for me and us and Spike. You've done enough fighting...let me take this round. Whatever you want, I will fight for that. If you want to leave him, I will stand by your side.

Ryan went on, "And if you want to stay with him I will still be there. I will not bring up my feelings for you ever again, if you say that is what you want. You get to decide."

He leaned close to her ear and whispered, "But do me one favor?"

"What, Ryan?" she asked and he could tell by her tone she had already decided to do whatever he asked.

(I never felt like this before.  
just when I leave, I'm back for more.

Nothing else here seems to matter,  
in these ever-changing days,  
you're the one thing

that remains.

I could stay like this forever.

And it feels like tonight.

I can't believe I'm broken inside.

Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,  
but try to make it up to you?

And it feels like tonight.  
tonight.  
tonight.) ( Daughtry)

Kendall looked over her shoulder and met his eyes. For one perfect second the rest of the world fell away.

Ryan softly asked, "Don't tell me your decision right now. Just let me hold you till morning comes. Just let me have us a little longer."

She didn't answer with words, instead she twisted around and wrapped her arm around him, snuggling close. There was nothing sexual in her move, just a neediness that only he could soothe.

Ryan stroked her hair. "Aww, it's been too long, Hart, too damn long. I missed this."

She arched her head back enough to meet his eyes. She searched his for the truth. Was she really the one he always missed? Always needed? Always craved and ached for like she did for him?

She might be crazy but, just like so many times before, Kendall truly believed that the answer was yes. It was there in the air around them. No man ever made her cry as hard, never made her burn with desire as much, never made her feel as lost, or as found. Right or wrong, doomed or destined, there was something real between them.

She wasn't on her own in this anymore. Ryan was finally admitting he was in just as deep as her.

Then it hit her. She had given up too soon. And now it might be too late. She sucked in a shaky breath.

"I never missed anybody or anything as bad as I missed you," she told him.

He kissed her forehead. "There is no way I could ever apologize for all the ways I hurt you...all those years when you only wanted to love me."

She smiled and said, in a joking tone, "I suppose I can forgive you."

He couldn't smile back. In a broken voice he said, "I think it's unforgivable."

She cupped his cheek. "No, don't go there. Where would we be if you didn't forgive me like 1 million times and I didn't forgive you like five million?"

He chuckled, "Five?"

"At least," she said smiling.

She stroked the stubble on his cheek. "But I don't remember any of that now. I only remember...you busting in my room at the Pine Comb and telling me to turn my damn music down... and you making love to me under a mistletoe in your living room... and that I just keep coming back to you and feeling like this no matter how many times I try to stop."

Ryan's heart raced at her words. But he wasn't naive enough to think she would easily walk away from Zach. Kendall would think and debate on this issue, once her mind started to tell her all the reasons that she needed to run from this crazy vibe between them and all the ways they could hurt each other again.

But, then again, she as always braver than him when it came to them. Maybe she would put it all on the line for him again. He prayed she would.

Ryan ran his thumb over her mouth, knowing that is as close as he would get to kissing her tonight.

He whispered, "Just so you have no doubts, anytime I told you in the past-from the first time we ever slept together-any time I told you I wasn't in love with you, that was a lie. And I knew it."

He paused, his voice took on a self hating tone, "I know it was a horrible thing to do to you, the woman who only wanted to give me all of herself, and give me all my dreams. But, Kendall, getting all that terrified me. I didn't think I could survive losing you over and over but I know now I can. I will keep loving you and losing you and loving you as many times as you let me...though I hope this night starts the last time I ever get you back again. I want to hold on tight this time. But, whatever you decide, my love for you sticks. It's yours. You had it from the start anyway."

She broke down in sobs. Ryan held her tight, letting her pour out every bit of her pain, until she finally fell asleep.

(Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,  
but try to make it up to you?

And it feels like tonight.  
tonight.  
tonight.) ( Daughtry)


	5. Chapter 5

Note- Thanks to anyone who reviews. It helps to fuel my creative energy and make me want to write more Ryan and Kendall.

**Chapter Five**

Kendall woke up with her arm gripped tightly around Ryan. She could feel his chest inhaling and exhaling before she even opened her eyes.

For a minute she just stared at him, so close and beautiful and, for right now, hers. It was a fantasy come to life.

She traced his jaw with her finger, then placed a kiss there.

He stirred awake. She rolled onto her back but he moved right with her.

Looking down at her he said, "Now this is the way I like to wake up."

She smiled, thrilled and slightly nervous. She could feel his body tensing, reacting to her, and as usual her whole being was on red alert. She could barely think straight but she knew she needed to.

Ryan saw the look of concern the moment it came into her eye and he eased away from her. But he didn't leave the bed quite yet. "Sleep alright, Hart?"

"Mmm. Pretty good. I was dreaming about you, actually."

"Was it a hot dream? Or the one where I am a giant tomato and you are trying to turn me into ketchup again?"

"You are never going to let me live that dream down, are you?" she laughed "I should have never told you about that."

He chuckled.

She added, "My dream was ...nice. We both looked really young and sexy, like when we met."

"Are you saying I am not sexy anymore?"

"Do you want to hear this or not, Lavery?"

"I do."

"We looked young but we were actually a lot older. Spike was a teenager and for some odd reason he was in love with a Chandler."

Ryan gave her a concerned look.

"I know," she said "This chick was like a mini- Babe. Anyway, that part was rather scary but the rest was pretty...wonderful. We had three more kids. All girls. And it was Christmas and we were having this big party. The whole town was there. In the backyard it was all decorated with lights and music. Everyone else was inside and we snuck out there. You kissed me under the mistletoe."

"That mistletoe again. It gets us every time," he tried to joke but her dream had really touched him.

He realized now how much the time they spent together at Christmas before had meant to her.

Softly he asked, "Do you think that dream has any chance of becoming reality?"

"You had a vasectomy, so probably not." Her voice was light as she jumped from bed. "You snip snipped away our three daughters."

He chuckled at her. "What a gruesome way to put it."

She started to leave the room. "I call first shower!"

He said, "Hey."

She stopped in her tracks at his soft tone and faced him again.

"If you want that dream, Kendall, I will make it come true for you. Minus Spike falling for a Mini Babe part, of course. You just say the word. So what do you think?"

She bit her lip.

Ryan held his breath.

"I don't know yet," she said quietly. "I just don' t know."

Then she headed for the bathroom to stand under some scalding hot water and try and figure out her life. She didn't need to figure out her heart. She knew who held that- lock, stock and barrel.

The man who she fell in love with in a run down motel a million years before.

XXXXXX

Ryan decided not to pressure her.

While she was in the shower he made eggs and bacon, and cut up fruit.

As he did this he had his cell pressed to his ear, making call after call. First he checked on Spike, then he called Josh to see how Babe was- since she was hidden away in the casino recovering from being dosed with the killer's special brand of poison- then Ryan called Tad.

Finally Kendall came out of the bathroom and he headed in there.

"Watch the bacon, so it doesn't burn," he told her as he left the room.

"Putting me straight to work," she grumbled. "Can a girl at least get a grande mocha latte first?"

"There's plain black coffee."

"Where?" She looked around and only spotted an empty coffee maker.

"In the can."

"Oh, Ryan," she joked "You sure do know how to spoil me."

**Twenty minutes later**, he came out and saw her devouring her food.

"Oh, you waited for me? You shouldn't have," he joked.

He wore only jeans, his bare chest made her mouth water.

She popped a piece of melon in her mouth and said,

as her eyes roamed over his six pack abs, "You do realize that you are not playing fair, right? Just fess up that you realize that."

He smiled as he saw the hungry look she was giving his chest. "Playing fair is for suckers. You taught me that."

"Yeah, I probably did," she said, not the least bit offended.

Her eyes traveled over his chiseled chest. Not only was it the most amazing body she had every had the pleasure of laying eyes on, and touching and licking, and ...she tried to focus. There were other reasons that the sight of him shirtless made her swoon.

It was because she had missed seeing him that way for so long. What she looked at now, across the breakfast table, was hers. There was no denying she felt that way.

Hers. And she had lived too damn long without seeing it.

She thought of the Shakira song...

(_You own the place  
where all my thoughts go hiding._

_  
And right under your clothes  
is where I find them._

Underneath your clothes.  
There's an endless story.

_There's the man I chose.  
There's my territory._

_  
And all the things  
I deserve_

_  
For being such a_

_good girl, honey_

_For being such a good girl_...)

...Kendall might not be a good girl, but she sure as hell did feel like she deserved her chance to love and be loved by Ryan again.

_Am I brave enough to take what I want_? she asked herself. _To take back my man_.

XXXXXXXXXXX

**That Night**

"What if Greenlee comes home?" the question popped out of Kendall's mouth, flying from her subconscious before she could stop it, as they sat on the couch pretending to watch the John Cusack movie Serendipity. They had spent hours not talking about them. Instead they played blackjack and Truth or Dare, and made jokes no one else in the world would get but them.

Ryan shrugged, "What if she does?"

"Would you...?" Kendall glanced at him, trying to read his features.

He raised an eyebrow, as if to say _What are you talking about? No way! _

Ryan told her, "You are the one with a spouse now, not me."

"That doesn't answer anything. Say little Greenpea comes back. And she is over everything and she wants to be my best friend again and partner at fusion and Spike's Aunt and..._your wife_. Then what?"

Ryan angled his body toward her. "I can't tell. Are you hoping she does come home... cause your voice kinda sounds like you are. Or is this just a way to push me away? Or test me?"

"Of course I want her to come home. It's ...her home. It's where we are. And Jack and Lily and Reggie and Bianca all miss her. And Josh doesn't even know his step sister and Spike doesn't even know his Aunt. Why is that, Ryan? Because me and you chased her off. Or, in truth, I did. Because she forgave you everything and hated me for having your baby."

"Did you ever think that God made everything happen just the way it did so you would have my baby? So me and you would share Spike."

"Yeah, I have thought that," Kendall admitted softly.

He took her hand. "If Greenlee comes back tomorrow ,or never, it doesn't change me and you. I'm not planning to hide in any other relationships that don't work just so I can keep you at arm's length. I'm through with that."

Kendall asked, "If I don't...choose you...then what? Are you going to become a monk? I don't buy it, Ryan."

"I haven't thought that far ahead. I don't want to think about that." He looked at their fingers that were intertwined, and then ran his finger over her wedding band.

His voice was shaking slightly when he asked, "Are you saying I should start planning a future without you?"

She swallowed and scooted closer. He wrapped his

free arm around her waist and pulled her into his lap. She dropped her head onto his shoulder.

"Sometimes," Kendall said "It feels so right... me and you...like this is the place that I am meant to be in the word...like God gave me you and Spike and made me belong to you...and other times, in the bad old days, it felt so lonely without you and I would have done anything, just anything, to make you love me again. Or to make myself stop loving you. Something so it wouldn't hurt."

He rubbed her back as she went on.

"Then in the middle of all that craziness last year I just let it go. More than I ever had before..." she pulled back and looked in his eyes "I let you go. I said to myself...this is it. Time to grow up. You are going to be a mom. Just stop. He doesn't love you. Get over it. I beat it into my own head and I remarried Zach and I made a new life."

"Does that mean...?" his voice quivered as he posed the question.

The credits to the movie began to roll and a love song played. Their eyes met, both remembering so many love songs they had made love to in the days before it all got so complicated.

(_It was like a lighted match  
had been tossed into my soul._

_  
It was like a dam had broken in my heart._

_After taking every detour,_

_getting lost and losing track._

_  
So that even if I wanted  
I could not find my way back._

_  
After driving out the memory  
of the way things might have been._

_  
After I'd forgotten all about us  
the song remembers when) ( Trisha Yearwood)  
_

"It means, Ryan, that for all of my trying to stop loving you I didn't get very far. I sold myself a really good lie. I conned my own heart and soul. I made them understand we couldn't have you and that it would be okay to let go. But...in truth, I never did

understand or stop loving you because I can't."

She brought her hands up to cup his face, "You are in my blood. You're my very heart beat."

(_And the moment seemed to freeze,when we turned the music up and sang along,_

And there was a God in Heaven,  
And the world made perfect sense.

_  
We were young and were in love  
and we were easy to convince._

_  
We were headed straight for Eden.  
It was just around the bend._

_  
And though I have forgotten all about it  
The song remembers when) ( Trisha Yearwood)_

Kendall kissed him on one of his cheeks and then the other. "You are the biggest part of my memories and the one place I feel safe and scared at the same time. You are the one I call if the world turns upside down and you are the one I worry about on rainy nights when you shouldn't be out on your motorcycle. Ryan, you are the man I need to never die because it would, and it did, break my heart."

He hugged her close and buried his face in the crook of her neck, letting his tears fall full force.

Kendall choked out "You are who I love and you are who I will always, always, always choose. I was crazy to ever think about doing anything else. No one else can be what you are to me."

He eyes were locked on hers as she started to wipe away his tears.

The love song on the TV came to its last notes as Ryan said " If you ever believe anything I tell you, believe this. I have loved you every moment since I met you... even when I said I hated you... the best moment of my life was you giving me Spike. But before that it was you rocking out to god awful music in the room next to mine at the Pine Comb, and then it was seeing you in Vegas...God, I had missed you so much and then you were there...my girl...my love...just right there in front of me and I couldn't even speak...I know you didn't think I loved you all along...but all that pushing you away was me not knowing how to deal with something this big."

He kissed the inside of her palm, realizing she was avoiding kissing his lips in deference to the fact that she was married to someone else.

Ryan repeated his earlier sentence. "I have loved you every moment since I met you," and added " and I will love you for the rest of my days. Whatever life I have left- be it an hour or 50 years,-it is all yours, Kendall. All yours."

"Do you know how long I waited to hear that?" she asked, her voice awed.

"Yeah," he said, matching her tone, "yeah, I do."

(_Still I guess some things_

_we bury_

_are just bound to rise again._

_  
For even if the whole world _

_has forgotten,_

_the song remembers when._

_  
Yeah, and even if the whole world_

_has forgotten,  
the song remembers when.) (Trisha Yearwood)  
_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

They slept wrapped in each other's arms on the couch, fully clothed. She woke up, lifted her head from his chest, and saw he was staring at her.

His hand slowly ran through her hair and then down her back, sending a path of heat through her.

"How did I ever live without you for so long, Kendall?"

Her sleepy eyes locked with his. "You tell me."

"I don't know. But I do know that I can't go back to that life," Ryan said. "Tell me I don't have to."

She kissed his jaw. "How long have I loved you, Ryan?"

He raised an eyebrow.

She whispered, never taking her eyes from him, "Since the Pine Comb. I have never loved any other person on earth longer than you. Do you know what you have become to me? A part of my very soul."

Her voice started to break as she went on, "I never thought we'd get back here... I was so sure it was over... that I lost you forever..."

His mouth moved toward hers. She shivered.

"You could never lose me, Kendall."

Right before his lips were about to touch hers, her cell phone rang.

Reluctantly she moved away from him and answered it.

He watched as she listened to what the person on the other end said. She ended the call with, "I'll see you at home...um, uh..yeah me too Zach...I need to go now. Bye."

Kendall turned to met Ryan's eyes and whispered "They caught the killer. The man who took away Erin and Simone is under arrest."

He let out a long breath. His sister would have justice. "Who is it?"

"Alexander Cambias."

"How can that be? He's dead. I was there when he died."

"You were there when he faked his death." Kendall came over and gave Ryan a long hug. "He'll never kill anyone we love again. We won't let him. He's going down for this. First, prison. Then, hell."

Ryan shook his head, in misery. Kendall cupped his cheek and saw that his eyes were filled with pain over his sister dying a senseless death in some madman's game.

When his tears fell, she wiped them away.

XXXXXXX

**Back in Pine Valley**, he walked her to the door of her condo.

"Should I come in with you?" Ryan asked

Her eyes got big. "I don't think Zach wants an audience for the conversation we are about to have."

"Are you thinking about...?"

"What?"

"Not going through with it," Ryan finished. His voice dropped low, "Are you sure you can end your marriage, Kendall?"

Her brows furrowed. She whispered, "You think I shouldn't?"

He stared at her for a long moment and finished with, "Follow your heart."

Kendall said, "Believe me I plan to. I'm doing exactly what we already discussed. No one and nothing is taking away the future I've dreamed about for years. I can do this."

He was dying to kiss her but knew Zach could be right inside the condo, so instead he took her hand and settled for leaning over and kissing her cheek.

"Come back to me," he whispered in her ear.

Before he could pull away Kendall murmured, "You always had my heart."

Slowly he let go of her hand. She felt her heart shiver the instant she was no longer physically connected to him.

"Will you bring Spike home tonight?" she asked "I miss my baby like crazy."

"What time should we come over?"

"Give me a few hours."

"I'll see you soon, Kendall."

"You drive careful to the casino and carefully back."

"I'm always careful when I have Spike."

"You be careful all the time now, Ryan. All the time. There are people who just can't get by if you leave this life."

"Don't worry," he said with a smile. "I have too much to live for to go and get myself killed."

He walked off and she truly believed that by nightfall they would be back in each other arms, sharing kisses and making plans.

But that particular fantasy didn't come true.

(And I wonder where these

dreams go

when the world gets in your way?

What's the point in all this screaming?  
No one's listening anyway...

And she wonders where

these dreams go.

Cause the world got in her way.

What's the point in ever trying?  
Nothing's changing anyway) ( Goo Goo Dolls)

XXXXXX

**Kendall started to tell Zach **the truth about where her heart lay, about who she had loved most and best and longest, but the expression he wore on his face about his father's crimes stopped her cold.

She couldn't get the words out.

So when Ryan came by with Spike, and Zach was standing right there, all she could say was "I'll talk to you later, Ryan." and hope he would understand, and hold on, and wait for her.

She planned to tell Zach the truth in a few days, when he was a little stronger.

It seemed the kind thing to do, for him, but the not for her. Because it was painful to watch Ryan walk out that door and leave her behind.

Zach could never know that the reason his wife was wearing a haunted expression, at the exact moment the door closed behind Ryan, was because Kendall was remembering a motorcycle roaring off into the distance years before, and her losing her one true love.

This time had to end different. _I can not lose Ryan again_, she thought.

**At Fusion the next morning **she called Ryan. She was in an office with the door closed.

"Hello."

"It's me," she said

He let out a long frustrated breath.

She bit her lip. "Let me explain."

"You don't have to. I get it."

"You couldn't possibly...I haven't even told you what 'it' is yet."

"You can't leave your husband."

"Right now, today, no I can't. He's devastated and, as cruel of a bitch as I am, I can't walk out now. I, also, can't sacrifice the rest of my life over my guilt for doing this to him. I want to be with you, Ryan. I have for a long time now. Just give me a few days."

Ryan didn't say anything.

Kendall cried, "Please don't do this. Don't give up so easily. I thought you were in this for the long _haul_." Her voice broke on the last word. "I thought you were in love with me."

"I am," he said, stressing the words. His voice was tortured when he asked, "Are you still...sleeping with him?"

"Ryan!"

"I have to know."

"Are you out of your ever loving mind? After what we said to each other...I _meant_ what I said, Ryan. I didn't just come clean with you, I came clean with myself. I admitted what my heart knew all along. So, no. I am not and will not sleep with him ever again. God, I can't believe you thought that..."

In a harsh whisper, he confessed "It's driving me crazy to be without you."

"You were for years."

"Well, it drove me crazy then too. Didn't I seem crazy?"

Kendall smiled. "Sometimes you did."

He said, "Because I wanted you...always...every second of the day and night...you don't know how many fantasies I had about you. Do they make numbers that high?"

She laughed. "Soon. I promise, soon we will be back where we belong. Just don't give up on me!"

"Remember, Kendall, if I ever again tell you I don't love you it is.."

"A lie," she finished for him.

"Exactly."

(They press their lips against you  
And you love the lies they say.

And I tried so hard to reach you  
But you're falling anyway.) ( Goo Goo Dolls)


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

**Kendall had no **idea how to get the words out that would break Zach's heart. It would be easier if she hated him, but she didn't. She cared about him, felt for him, could see that he was hurt on the inside in all the same ways she was. And all that added up to something...just not love...not anywhere near what her heart felt for Ryan.

She had waited too many years to hear Ryan say he loved her in just the way she loved him- a forever sort of way that neither of them could ever turn their backs on again.

_This is my chance at real happiness_, she told herself as she walked through the halls of the casino. _Only Ryan can give me that._

Kendall planted a picture in her mind- her, Ryan and Spike laying on a white blanket under a Christmas tree, and on her finger was a gold band from her soul mate. She wanted to have that become her reality next year. But before that could happen she would have to fight, once more time.

As she stepped into Zach's office, she was finally ready to face the last battle.

"We need to talk," she said

He looked up from his paperwork and noted the expression on her face. "Did something happen? To Spike?"

"No. He's fine. But...something did happen...when I was away with Ryan...Zach," she took a deep breath and met his eyes. "I'm leaving you."

XXXXXXX

**She felt as light as** a feather when she walked up to Ryan's door later that afternoon.

The rest of her life was about to start and Kendall couldn't be more thrilled about it. She was desperate to get back to something good with Ryan, to feel his lips stroke over hers, to have his arms pull her in tight until her body could feel every inch of his.

She didn't bother to knock or ring the bell. She wore a magnificent smile as she strolled inside saying "I did it, Ryan!"

Her eyes took in him and the petite woman, such a dangerous force in a compact body, standing near his couch.

"What did you do this time, Kendall?" her sister asked. The woman's eyes were unreadable, but Kendall though she glimpsed a faint smile on the corners of her lips.

_She came home_, Kendall thought. _She's back_.

"Greenlee."

Ryan started to walk toward Kendall. "You did it?" he asked softly, his eyes locked on hers.

"Does it matter now?" asked Kendall.

She looked away from him and back to Greenlee. "Why are you here?"

"That's some Welcome Home, sis."

"Why are you here?"

"This town is as much my home as yours, Kendall." Greenlee's offended tone dropped away as she asked, with more than a little hurt in her voice "Did you really want me to stay away forever?"

Ryan had made it across the room to Kendall. His eyes locked in on her but she was still focused on Greenlee.

"Depends," Kendall said. "Are you here to be my sister again or to try and take away the man I love for the second time?"

"Zach. I never had any interest in him."

Kendall gave her a look and Greenlee said, "Oh, _oh_. I see."

She looked between Ryan and Kendall and then said "Just tell me this wasn't going on while I was married to him. Not like it matters now...but it sort of does to me."

"Of course it wasn't," said Kendall in a _How could you even ask _? tone. "You're my best friend and sister...I thought about it sure...I mean who wouldn't..." she smiled.

After a second, Greenlee smiled back. "Any woman with eyes would, I suppose. Well, I have people to see...shoes to buy...you know how it is. Are you two coming to the Pine Valley Inn for my welcome home dinner tonight?"

"The family is sort of banned from that place," Ryan said.

"A few knock down drag out scream fests and suddenly they don't want us back, huh? Who would have thunk it?" asked Greenlee as she breezed toward the door. "Well, then we'll have it at my father's place. Erica should love that. I can hardly wait to tell her." She rolled her eyes. "See you there, sis? Eight o'clock."

"Since my mom might toss you out at 8:05, we'll come early," Kendall said. "You have to meet your nephew. God, Greenlee, you should see how beautiful he is..."

Greenlee smiled. "Bianca has sent pictures to me almost weekly. I'm already crazy about him."

Kendall, without thinking, gave Greenlee a quick hug before she left. "About time you came home...Monday morning you better be at Fusion kicking that tramp out...siccing Babe Chandler on me...that was just wrong...cruel and wrong, Greenlee."

Greenlee laughed. "And something you would had done to me if you would have thought of it first. See you tonight."

When she was gone, Ryan placed his hands on Kendall's arms and whispered "That's some smile you are wearing. You happy or something?"

"Tell me the truth. Did she want you back?"

"No. She came to warn me that she married someone else. But she didn't say who...I guess we'll find out tonight."

"Then I am very happy, Ryan. I'm thrilled actually." She wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tight. "Everything is falling in place...you love me and nothing can go wrong now."

(Now I can rest my worries and always be sure  
That I won't be alone anymore.

And if only I'd known you were there all the time  
All this time) ( Richard Marx) 

Against her ear he said, "I do love you, Hart. Now tell me that you are mine...all mine...now and forever."

She pulled back and looked in his eyes, "Whose else's could I ever be?"

Then she was kissing him, her lips opening immediately to take him back inside of her, where he belonged, where she had been missing him for too long.

And that was the way they began the last reunion they would ever have. Ryan and Kendall, with arms clutching each other, and mouths begging for more and more, and clothes falling to the ground, they came back together and vowed to make it stick this time.

Because, they both would later agree, there was something very wrong about two soulmates not being together.

And something very right in the way it felt when his body came against hers, and his heart beat out a steady rhythm that she could almost hear. For the first time in years it sounded less like a lonesome brokenhearted tune and more like

_this is right, me and you, me and you, me and you, _

_for the rest of all time, me and you, me and you, me and you..._

In a moan he told her, "Kendall, I love you. Don't ever doubt that...please believe in me...forever..."

"Forever is just the start for me and you, Ryan."

When his mouth caught hers in another kiss, tears came to her eyes.

He whispered, "You're really mine again?"

"I always was," she said, knowing it was the honest truth.

Ryan told her, "And I will always, Kendall, _always _be yours."

(Until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand  
Now and forever, I will be your man

Now and forever,

I will be your man)

The End

Thanks for reading, 

Sara


End file.
